ONLY PARENTING CHALLENGE

be​The title may mislead you to think I am running a contest and if so, sorry, you are out of luck. I am not just a single Mama, I am an only parent. Many parents choose this lifestyle by single parent adoption, sperm bank ,etc, and some even seek it out.  I however got slammed into this position the day their father died of cancer. I did not apply for this position as clearly the pay sucks and the hours are endless with no vacation time, I mean NO vacation time. It has been the hardest and occasionally, the most rewarding job that I have ever had. I struggled when they were younger as I was scared shitless about any decision I would make for them. Now I struggle letting them make any decision about their life themselves, still scared shitless. So basically, I have been scared shitless for about 15 years. 


Trying to not screw up as a parent and having severe anxiety with a side order of agoraphobia has become my 24 hour job that oddly gives you no time off. I worry that I did not parent enough, I worry that I tried to parent too much. I worry that I gave them too much freedom, then I worry that I did not give them enough. As with any parent, single or otherwise, I love my children so much that it is hard to explain. I want them to be happy and have all the experiences that life has to offer. I ache when they are sad or sick, and beam when I know they are happy. The hard part is having no one to bounce decisions off of. I have no other teammates to help me. I have no back up plan. I actually would get jealous of my separated or divorced friends who ex took the kids on weekends. I would be jealous for about ten minutes then I know I would hate sharing them. I read about 100 parenting books while I was pregnant and when they were little. I watched every television show or talk show that had a series of parenting discussions. I bought all the magazines that specialized in parenting so why was I still so doubtful of my "skills". With all the knowledge, do you really have any idea what to expect? Every child is like a snowflake as they are all different. Every child comes with their own unique personality and challenges.  I suppose the hardest part was that I had such a battle with the beast of anxiety, that everything would seem so much worse. Even the smallest issue would tear me down to tears and nausea. I know it must have been hard for my kids to not know which Mommy they were getting each day. Happy go lucky Mommy who would say lets go on an adventure today or sad quiet Mommy, who just wanted to stay inside, perhaps watch a movie. I finally snapped out of my fog after almost a year of not really leaving the house except to quickly get the kids to school. I knew that I had to push myself for my kids as they needed more of me. I ended up in the emergency room, went in by an ambulance. I had been sick with a virus and could not keep any food or water down. That was the best thing that could happen oddly as I was forced to talk about my anxiety and to face it. Even though the doctor I was unlucky to get that day, actually made me feel worse, he helped me. How you ask? I came home and called my family doctor who put me back on medication. I was on medication before I had kids but assumed I could handle life without them. I was wrong. I started the medication the day my mother died. I was too ill to go see her from my virus, so I called her and she was so happy that I was taking care of myself. I think she needed to know that I would be taking care of myself. She died a few  hours later. 


With the help of medication, I was able to be the parent that my kids needed me to be.  I know I made so many mistakes, as any parent who is honest, will tell you. I know that I learnt from those mistakes too, as I hope my children did. I went off medication a few times since then but I will now stay on medication for the rest of my life. I am not weak for doing so. I am not healed by doing so. I am just taking control of my situation the best that I can.


Parenting young children is crazy hard but parenting teens, that takes balls. I can say now from experience, that you do survive, barely, but you do survive. My first born was more of a quiet storm who dealt with a bully issue as  teen. They were more of a small group of friends type of teen with not too much drama but enough to cause stress. First born also, is very mature in her way of thinking so finding that clique of friends was a challenge. She is also very quiet and has anxiety, two things that are hard to deal with as a teen. I can honestly say, she did not give me very much grief as a parent. I survived her teen years with only a few bumps. It could be that we think a lot a like, even though she would be horrified to acknowledge this. She is truly my best friend and I am so proud of the human being she is grown into. Beautiful and smart and talented. She however does not see all that yet, but one day she will.  Now, my second born. For most of his teen life, he as been the regular pain in the ass teenager. You know, the stinky messy room, the talking back and the eye rolls. The last few months however, have been the challenge I always "heard" other parents talk about. Moody, disrespectful on occasion, and lazy. I  will point out that he is only lazy or tired when I need him to help me with something. I am sure many parents can relate to that! He got a nose ring, yeah no big deal but so out of character for him. He is just moody. I mean you can't say boo and he gets defensive moody. He has triggered my anxiety more in the last few months then he has since birth. I know I will survive this, can you still call it a "phase", when they are teens? I know it could be far worse as I this is all mild compared to what others go through. I think, like I said before, it is very out of character for him. Perhaps he is just trying to find his own feet as my Dad would say. I do know that he will find one of my" feet" kicking his ass if he doesn't improve his attitude. ( for any authorities reading this, I mean figuratively kicking his ass" so please don't knock on my door unless you are cute). 


SO is being an only parent more of a challenge? I can only answer for myself but 50% of me says yes while the other 33% is happy that I make the decisions and the remaining 17% is glad Oprah is no longer on the airwaves. I still may end up on Dr. Phil with my kids complaining of my parenting skills or I may be sued for all the therapy costs that they are charged. I do know that my kids are growing into amazing humans and I am proud of them. I am their biggest fan. I will take any standing ovations too in the future for a job well done just give me a heads up so I am dressed.  I know soon enough, I will sit in my home, with no kids living under my roof and sigh. Sigh, with relief for about ten minutes then miss the chaos of my life. I will miss the noise. The laughter. The big grocery bill, ok...no won't miss that. I will miss my babies who already are transforming into adults. I won't be solely alone as my cats will keep me busy as they are little shits. So I do have "back up" replacements to worry about! Let the fur fly!

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