ANXIETYS BITCH BLOG
This above all:
To thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Great advice from a man who died in 1616, but what does this quote really mean? When or how, do you know who you really are? How do you learn to be true to yourself? Like peeling the layers of an onion or artichoke, (whatever else that peels), you must go through many layers until you get to the "heart" of who you are. Each layer is more and more succulent. Outer layers of our identity put us in categories relative to other humans. You may identify yourself with a race, gender, job, political preference, sexual preference, and so on. Labels were placed on us at birth or by circumstance, all of which inform our point of view. They are simply boxes of relative identification, none of them are who we actually are.
When you live on the outermost layer of your identity, the less you are in touch with your inner deeper self. The world we now survive in, reality tv and media impressions seek out to influence our behaviours and thoughts. If an alien was to tap into our brains, they would get the impression that we are only competing to be the top of the mountain, that we are superficial, selfish, greedy and judgemental. That is not the social commentary I want to be known as, so we need to find our true selves. The more you look outside of yourself, to create a sense of oneself, the bigger the distance we need to go to get on track. If you are always spending your time and attention to be something or someone other than ourselves, how can you truly know who you are? Craving the approval of others is not going to benefit this journey so you need to stop outside influences now.
I have been exploring profound questions of my human existence, the "who am I?", being on the top of my list. I guess turning half a century old will do that do a woman! Many go down this path, many taking the more religious approach, I am more the science/spiritual type. Our truest life purpose hasbecome seeking answers to the truly deep questions of life. We then live in accordance to what we find to be true. Most of this deep thinking made my head hurt but I persevered into the dark hole in my mind. I knew I had to dig deep, to fight the anxiety and depressive thoughts, to turn on that inner light, to awaken myself. I am still going through the process but each day, I find I am listening to myself more. I am guiding my own path instead of what may be expected of me from society. My anxiety tries desperately to twist my confidence and push me towards the judgmental side of my being. I have been cautiously pushing back, hard, with great results. I have also had to learn the difference between my ego or lack of, and the voice of my authentic self. When I say "voices", I don't mean that I have multiple personalities, or maybe I do and I have not met them yet! I have never really had an ego as my self-esteem has always been low, I just hide it better than most. I am training my mind to overcome the low self-esteem and listen to the real me. The strong ass warrior queen that loves life and wants to kick it in the balls while laughing.
When I am making a choice that creates an awareness of affirmation inside of me, I know I am being authentic. I recognize the lack of awareness too now. Recently I decided that I needed to get out more, be sociable, be around people. I stopped saying no to invites and pushed hard to go outside my walls. Ultimately, I have been happier and less anxious in my kingdom. I hear myself, my true self, who loves life but was being held back by fear and of course the beast, anxiety. I allow myself days of retreating to the solace of my cave so I can reboot. I use my inner feedback system to know when I can and cannot do something. I mentally record what triggers the beast and if I cannot avoid that situation, I carefully tread through it. I try hard not to fight against myself too much or I find myself feeling disconnected and irritable. I am far more peaceful since my internal GPS tells me where the truth is in my brain.
I am me. I am learning to be rooted in my deepest values and own truth. I want a life that is a true reflection of them, being true to my own thoughts, actions and words. I have to be willing to sacrifice relationships or circumstances that may violate my truth. I will not answer to someone else's belief system nor will I expect someone to adapt to mine. If I find a situation that requires me to not be myself, I will no longer be the chameleon who adapts. I will be me, just me. I will walk my own path, alone or with others, but I will walk it, not avoid it. This will not mean I will live this amazing charmed life, as sorrow runs along beside happiness in everyone's life, regardless. I just now, realize that I have the wisdom knowing who I am, to guide me.
I will now recognize the emptiness in material things and lessen the load by only keeping what I truly love. What I truly need and feel a connection to. I guess my son better start talking to me more, wink wink!
I will now recognize I want to create experiences with meaning in my life and will be open to explore them.
I will listen to people, truly hear them. Not be distracted by the television, laptop or phone. This is harder than I thought but practice will help.
Unapologetically, I will express my thoughts, my views and my feelings, without of course being cruel as I can't turn that part off in me!
I will no longer put myself on the back burner to appease others. I am now the showrunner, my name is in the lights babe!
I will learn to accept and acknowledge my own faults and learn from them. There is always room for improvement.
I will learn to take responsibility for my own actions even though it was clearly "their" fault, oops, ok, I am a work in progress.
I will take time, each night to clear my mind of clutter and be me. I have found meditational videos on Youtube have helped guide me to do this. Meditation has helped with my sleep patterns as well.
The more I try the less friction and antagonism I create in my life. I don't think I will ever be perfect honouring my own truth, but I will strive to focus on me. It is a self-editing process that I have to do more and more of to hold myself accountable. I have made the commitment to live my best life, according to myself. I continue to practice listening to my inner being, that inner bitch who was hibernating. That bitch needs to own up to herself and kick the universe in the arse! The beast will no longer be the leader of my thoughts. There is a new sheriff in town!!