IT'S OVER

Words no one really wants to hear. "It's over"! If you have anxiety or depression those words sting far worse, even if you are the one saying them. If you have been horribly unhappy in your relationship for far too long the sensible thing to do is leave. End it. Be done. Anxiety adds to this traumatic situation and enhances the fear of the unknown. Fear compels you to stay as your distrust in the world seems far worse than your relationship. Many people stay in marriages for longer than they should have as being single seems a worse state.


It is simple to give up and remain trapped in your miserable circumstance. The beast thrives on these situations as anxiety is fueled when your mind is uneasy and full of despair. Your mind will try to convince you that if you leave you will be alone without support and will be alienated from those you love. There is also the danger of poverty, pain, guilt, isolation and infinite other things. Your fears will end up trumping what is better for your life. You start to think that leaving is too daunting or too hard. You dismiss the possibility of using support systems as you don't have faith in them.You begin to put on a happy face to the rest of the world to hide your sadness. You feel that you may be just overreacting and should stay to work on your relationship. You stay for the kids. The thought of raising your children alone is overwhelming. The thought of custody battles set your mind on fire. You don't want to be the one in your friend group suddenly separated again. Alone, again. Most importantly, you forget your own resilience in how you face extreme life challenges.


There comes a time when you have to make that hard decision. How you handle it is determined by whether your break up will create grief, which to many in world shattering or will it be a relief like the refreshing breeze of a new beginning. This applies to leaving a job, ending a marriage or serious relationship as well as severing ties with friends or family. Regardless, of what is ending and why, it needs to be done.


If you were a surgeon, one swift clean cut would result in a faster healing process than a messy tear. Same goes for any emotional severances you may have. This may sound harsh to many but sometimes quick is better. Remember when you Mom would rip off that band-aid that you feared being stripped from your skin? The one that you would let her pull half way then scream to stop? It will give you the same feeling of relief when it is done. Most of the time the pain will leave as quickly as it came. Nicely put is " I've made this hard decision to leave. I have decided to leave this relationship as the match doesn't feel right for me any longer". Take this job and shove it may work too for employment relationships.

As with any surgical procedures, prevention of an infection is vital so the wound must stay clean. Be very cautious of infecting the breaking up circumstance with any negative energy about the person being let go. Do not contact them asking if they are doing ok as this only slows down healing on both sides. Name-calling is a negative reaction that can occur on both sides and will be less than helpful. A critical tone of voice will similarly convey negative feelings toward the other person.   Verbal toned negative messages about the person contaminate healing for yourself so try your best to push those out of your mind. Pulling negative thoughts from the universe will only make you feel worse regardless on who ended the relationship. You need to learn from your mistakes and move on, another one my Mama use to tell me as I cried myself to sleep over some jerk as a teen.  You do need to explain to the person your reason for ending the relationship unless it was very obvious. If you walked in on your husband having sex with your boss, those finales would be easy to leave without words. Well, you could yell "It is over and I quit as you slam the door". Two birds with one stone.  As with any medical issue, sharing your information will alleviate anxiety generated from the unknown. Respectful communication between a person ending a union and the person receiving a goodbye relieves the anxiety caused by lack of understanding. Shared two-way communication can put the healing task on a good track that will move forward as recovery from grief on both sides. A winner-loser relationship, by contrast, pushes the healing process to stall. Allowing everyone to let go will give you the best results. I was stalked by someone who I ended a relationship with and you do not want that as a result. 

When you are the one being told of the relationship ending, you must allow yourself to grieve then move on. You are allowed to be sad as it is a perfectly normal response to leaving a relationship. Depression triggered by the loss goes beyond the sadness of the experience. If you are fixated on negative thoughts about yourself, others or the future this is no longer a good reaction. To feel the profound sense of loss of power and the sense of helplessness will send you down a path of severe depression. Once your self-confidence feels destroyed it will start to destroy other relationships and areas in your life. Find someone to talk to. Go see your doctor. Don't allow the beast to invade.           

Now, let us understand how to start to change your view of your future. It will never be too late to discover aspiration. Your past does not determine your future if you are willing to look at your contributions and learn from them. Work towards believing that you are worth fight for. You need to love yourself. Trust your inner gut feelings. Sometimes, one must "find" themselves all over again. You can start over and redevelop as many times as you need to until you are truly at peace with yourself and your life. Do not settle for less. You are worth far more to the universe. Use all the lessons of your past mistakes and triumphs. Find hopefulness about possibilities for yourself moving ahead and you will make positive shifts in the way you think about what may lie beyond your current painful situation. The greatest challenge is to try to picture a life for you beyond any relationship. Relief, contentment, peace, and serenity should replace all that guilt, anger fear, and other negative thoughts.

Begin the process of thinking more openly, sorting through and unraveling the repetitive patterns, beliefs, fears, and ways that you sabotage yourself that contribute to being stuck. By looking at your own contributions will allow more room for development than does blaming your partner ( boss, ex, wife, husband) for keeping you stuck. If you felt forced because of abuse, you need to seek out a safe haven outside that relationship as soon as possible. Emotional abuse and physical abuse is horrible to have to live with and so many of us have. Some with family members, many with partners. No one ever needs to live like that. Ever. In situations like these, the feelings of undeservingness are raw. They have followed you for a long time and it may feel like it is all you know how to feel. You have been told chaos and trauma will happen if you leave. Only you can influence your emotional outcome so do not let anyone else tell your mind different. I grew up in a house where I was emotionally abused by my sister daily and it took me half of my life to overcome the influence her words had over me. I still have to push myself as those words linger in the back of mind, waiting to creep out with the beast. 

Finding a way to cope is a never ending search for many but serenity will make a grand appearance enough times to keep you going down your path of healing. Having bad days, hell having horrible days is absolutely understandable. Allowing yourself to heal by giving yourself the compassion that only you can give is beneficial to this process. Your own plight over time, by reframing your experiences will allow yourself to envision the future you not only crave but deserve. Take yourself to the next level of healing then reward yourself for surviving yet another hurdle in this thing we call life. 

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