BREAKING DOWN THE WALL

To continue on in life you must first take that initial step into the unknown. I know I need to take that damn step but  I must go through a wall of anxiety first. Having anxiety builds a wall around a person sometimes locking them inside against their will. When your pulse races, your heart pounds, your mouth goes dry and you feel like the earth shift beneath your feet, that wall is sometimes comforting. I know if that wall is there, then I can stay behind it and hide from the world. Even as I type all this my chest tightens just enough to remind me that I am anxiety's bitch. Anxiety loves to let you have just enough length in your leash to let you think you are healed. Perhaps you finally agree to go out to dinner with friends or a movie. You shower and pick out an outfit. You start to apply make up while jamming to your favourite tune. Then suddenly out of no where, you feel agitated and your stomach starts to do back flips. You feel your throat start to close up. Then panic creeps slowly into your mind. You know you must make that decision. That decision to call your friends and say you are not well or push through the fear.  A very high percentage of the time, I will just cancel as I am scared of the outcome if I go. My heart sinks to the depths of my stomach as I know that once again I am anxiety's bitch. Once again anxiety has won. Once again, I will sit at home waiting for updates on social media of my friends enjoying their night out. I am tired of being me. I not only want change, I need change.  I crave a better life for me and I know I can get it. Time is being wasted and I am done wasting time. This is a journey that I will have to make mostly on my own but I know that is the only way for me to heal. Today I will start to remove that wall. Today I will remove one brick maybe even two. I will escape from this containment. I will not let anxiety win. Stay tuned.