​Long time no blog. 

I lost my mojo. My reason. My get and go. 

I was lost in my own world. My own mind.

Now, with a little help from my friends, yes, sing it, I am getting there.

I am finding myself. 

I am getting my groove back, just like Stella. 


I say friends when I really mean tribe. The word friend does not even begin to cover the strength and love I get from these humans. Tribe means a large family or like a group, that someone belongs to. I belong. I am accepted. I do not have to wear a mask or bite my tongue. I am me. I am accepted. I belong.

​V is for vodka. V is for vagina. V is for Venice. V is not my valentine! Remember in grade school, how you would sit with your Mom or Dad, and write out 26 cards to your classmates? Even that horrible brat kid who pulled your hair got one. Flash forward a few years, ok, like 38 and bam, shit, fuck...Valentines Day sucks ass. Flashback to 2005...my first year without my love. I ate a whole chocolate cake to myself, mostly because I told my kids it had nuts in it. so basically I saved lives that day too.


When I remember anyone saying the word "widow", I would see an old lady, white hair, wrinkled skin, flat loafers, hunched slightly over and wearing a dark dress. I became a widow at the ripe old age of 36, and believe me, I was not wearing a dark dress. A widow was an older woman, contemplating the end of her life, she was preparing for her last performance. I had two young kids who needed me to be in the early production type of mood, not the final act.


I am a widow. I am not finished. I am not ready to wear loafers and shuffle around my home watching The Price is Right until my number comes up. I do get very sad, a simple and quiet type of sadness. I have had happiness and deep love in my life, and I have lost it. I now know life's worth. I want to make mine meaningful and I am full of the desire to live life. When Kevin died, I needed to find something positive in everything that we had gone through. I realized that I developed an amazing level of compassion, even more so than I had before his death. I knew loss before, but having my heart ripped out and my soul shattered, I could almost feel someone else's heartbreak. My empathy has always been strong, my mother always told me too strong, but now I knew. I knew deep down in the depths of my soul, I could feel how "they" felt. I always tried to stay positive for my kids as life is hard enough when you have lost a parent, you don't need the surviving parent to be a big downer. I decided to start writing a blog which I knew would at least keep me busy and accountable for my feelings. I am happy to know that I have helped a few people who fight the beast as well. Being a widow with severe anxiety is hard enough, so let's make it easier on Valentine's Day. 


1. Preparation is key.


 I know most would like to forget about the existence of V-Day, but our sweet consumer-driven society will not let you. Ignorance is bliss but you have to hide in a cave with no wifi or electricity, and ain't nobody gonna do that! If you really want to survive, you are going to look deep inside your own soul, to determine what makes this day less painful. I have no secret scientific formula to offer you as we are all different but I try to remember that it is only one day.


2. Stay occupied. 


I know you have heard, get out, live life, "he" would not want you to wither away. I wish I had a dime for every time someone said that to me, I would be extremely rich! If you really are dreading the 14th of the month, do something that will keep your mind off it. Make plans with family and friends. Focus on your to-do list, redecorate your bedroom, clean out your cupboards, etc. Go for a long walk, get in touch with nature. Breathe fresh air. 


3. Avoidance is even more bliss.


As with my anxiety, I have taught myself to avoid places or situations that will trigger any painful memories. Not every day, but on holidays, where it seems to cut deeper. If my kids are not home for dinner, I won't sit at the table alone. Too hard to sit across from an empty chair. I know not to watch P.S. I Love You, even though Gerard Butler is hot as hell, on hard days. Watch a funny ass movie that gives you tears from laughing so hard, no lumps in your throat as tears stream down your face until they burn like lava.


4. Give permission to your self to feel emotions.


There is not a handbook on grief nor is there no agenda for time. It is really unhealthy to pretend that all is okay when it is clearly not. It does not matter how you think you are prepared. It does not matter if you have rebuilt your life. When you have suffered a devasting loss, your emotions can steamroll you into the depression lane in seconds. Valentine's Day is always tougher as the need to deal with memories can be overwhelming. Your senses are persistently being assaulted as well. If you are comfortable, in your surroundings, allow those emotions to come without being consumed by them. My Mama always said a good cry can wash away the sadness and help heal the wounds of the heart. If you want, write a letter or a poem to the one you lost. It is natural to remember those whom you have lost and cherished. 


5. Remember all your relationships.


Valentine's is not solely marketed at couples and romance. It is about LOVE. If you have kids, spend time with them. Watch their favourite movie while eating their favourite meal with them. You are most likely not the only single in your tribe of friends, so hang out with one of them. Screw tradition and have a girls night!  I will be spending my night with my fur babies most likely reading or watching the Olympics. perhaps drinking some vino.


7. Remember you.


Do something just for you. Eat that whole damn cake or have a two-hour bubble bath. Sing in the shower at the top of your lungs even if your neighbour's dog starts to howl. Go buy that freaking dress you want but think your money is better spent on the kids. Paint your room pink if that will make you happy, just be happy! 




Make your self happy. The best advice that I may ever give. You need to remember you can't be loved or love if you don't love yourself first. That lesson was a hard one to learn for me. Regardless of that little prick cupid who like to send arrows, many who pierce a heart does be happy. You are not alone in this universe and you are not the only one going through this. There really is a tribe you belong to. If all else fails, remember that February 15th is 50% off chocolate day~

This above all:   
To thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.


— Shakespeare
Great advice from a man who died in 1616, but what does this quote really mean? When or how, do you know who you really are? How do you learn to be true to yourself? Like peeling the layers of an onion or artichoke, (whatever else that peels), you must go through many layers until you get to the "heart" of who you are. Each layer is more and more succulent. Outer layers of our identity put us in categories relative to other humans. You may identify yourself with a race, gender, job, political preference, sexual preference, and so on. Labels were placed on us at birth or by circumstance, all of which inform our point of view. They are simply boxes of relative identification, none of them are who we actually are.


When you live on the outermost layer of your identity, the less you are in touch with your inner deeper self. The world we now survive in, reality tv and media impressions seek out to influence our behaviours and thoughts. If an alien was to tap into our brains, they would get the impression that we are only competing to be the top of the mountain, that we are superficial, selfish, greedy and judgemental. That is not the social commentary I want to be known as, so we need to find our true selves. The more you look outside of yourself, to create a sense of oneself, the bigger the distance we need to go to get on track. If you are always spending your time and attention to be something or someone other than ourselves, how can you truly know who you are? Craving the approval of others is not going to benefit this journey so you need to stop outside influences now. 


I have been exploring  profound questions of my human existence, the "who am I?", being on the top of my list. I guess turning half a century old will do that do a woman! Many go down this path, many taking the more religious approach, I am more the science/spiritual type. Our truest life purpose hasbecome seeking answers to the truly deep questions of life. We then live in accordance to what we find to be true. Most of this deep thinking made my head hurt but I persevered into the dark hole in my mind. I knew I had to dig deep, to fight the anxiety and depressive thoughts, to turn on that inner light, to awaken myself. I am still going through the process but each day, I find I am listening to myself more. I am guiding my own path instead of what may be expected of me from society. My anxiety tries desperately to twist my confidence and push me towards the judgmental side of my being. I have been cautiously pushing back, hard, with great results. I have also had to learn the difference between my ego or lack of, and the voice of my authentic self. When I say "voices", I don't mean that I have multiple personalities, or maybe I do and I have not met them yet!  I have never really had an ego as my self-esteem has always been low, I just hide it better than most. I am training my mind to overcome the low self-esteem and listen to the real me. The strong ass warrior queen that loves life and wants to kick it in the balls while laughing. 


When I am making a choice that creates an awareness of affirmation inside of me, I know I am being authentic.  I recognize the lack of awareness too now. Recently I decided that I needed to get out more, be sociable, be around people. I stopped saying no to invites and pushed hard to go outside my walls. Ultimately, I have been happier and less anxious in my kingdom. I hear myself, my true self, who loves life but was being held back by fear and of course the beast, anxiety. I allow myself days of retreating to the solace of my cave so I can reboot. I use my inner feedback system to know when I can and cannot do something. I mentally record what triggers the beast and if I cannot avoid that situation, I carefully tread through it. I try hard not to fight against myself too much or I find myself feeling disconnected and irritable. I am far more peaceful since my internal GPS tells me where the truth is in my brain.


I am me. I am learning to be rooted in my deepest values and own truth. I want a life that is a true reflection of them, being true to my own thoughts, actions and words. I have to be willing to sacrifice relationships or circumstances that may violate my truth. I will not answer to someone else's belief system nor will I expect someone to adapt to mine. If I find a situation that requires me to not be myself, I will no longer be the chameleon who adapts. I will be me, just me. I will walk my own path, alone or with others, but I will walk it, not avoid it. This will not mean I will live this amazing charmed life, as sorrow runs along beside happiness in everyone's life, regardless. I just now, realize that I have the wisdom knowing who I am, to guide me.


I will now recognize the emptiness in material things and lessen the load by only keeping what I truly love. What I truly need and feel a connection to. I guess my son better start talking to me more, wink wink! 


I will now recognize I want to create experiences with meaning in my life and will be open to explore them.


I will listen to people, truly hear them. Not be distracted by the television, laptop or phone. This is harder than I thought but practice will help. 


Unapologetically, I will express my thoughts, my views and my feelings, without of course being cruel as I can't turn that part off in me!


I will no longer put myself on the back burner to appease others. I am now the showrunner, my name is in the lights babe!


I will learn to accept and acknowledge my own faults and learn from them. There is always room for improvement. 


I will learn to take responsibility for my own actions even though it was clearly "their" fault, oops, ok, I am a work in progress.


I will take time, each night to clear my mind of clutter and be me. I have found meditational videos on Youtube have helped guide me to do this. Meditation has helped with my sleep patterns as well. 



The more I try the less friction and antagonism I create in my life. I don't think I will ever be perfect honouring my own truth, but I will strive to focus on me. It is a self-editing process that I have to do more and more of to hold myself accountable. I have made the commitment to live my best life, according to myself.  I continue to practice listening to my inner being, that inner bitch who was hibernating. That bitch needs to own up to herself and kick the universe in the arse! The beast will no longer be the leader of my thoughts. There is a new sheriff in town!!

Winter brings out depression in the happiest of people. Anxiety loves to attack especially hard in the colder months when you are trapped indoors for fear of freezing off your skin, literally. The snow is blowing hard against your windows and you refuse to enter winter wonderland until you safely walk down your front steps without doing a Bambi impersonation. New Year's has come and gone with many being happy to say good riddance to another year and hello to a fresh new one. So many of us start off the new year with doubt and uncertainty. Dreadful changes do not always mean you have changed too. You need to learn to cope regardless.

I started off 2018, with some new friends and most of all, as you may know, I turned 50. I also decided to change my path slightly so I can emerge out of my rut before it swallows me whole. I still have the same goals, now I just know where I have to go to achieve them and with who. I don't make resolutions anymore, but instead, I make promises to myself, which I keep close to my heart. Not everyone needs to know my life's path or even wants to know. I understand that friends and family are a fantastic cure to get out of any slump, but books are very beneficial to grow and heal. You are able to dive into a world where problems don't exist. You can learn from the authors or characters wise inspiring words. So whatever is your rut reason, a horrible break up or loss of friendship, loss of a job or even a work-related dilemma, you should know are not alone in feeling this way. This new year will be a chance to start fresh, a clean slate. Focus on yourself, reflect and begin to feel better.

Now I need you to grab a cozy fluffy warm blanket and grab one of the following books, as each one has a unique way of helping anyone with a rut of any kind!



 Hyperbole and a Half by Allie BroshThis book will crack you up and may make you pee your pants with laughter! Lots of humorous comics, relatable themes and anecdotal stories that are rib breaking hilarious. The author makes you remember what it was like to have childlike wonder throughout the book. Her memoir will have you giggling even though she tackles some serious subjects including anxiety and depression. 


 The Singles by Meredith GoldsteinI have yet to experience this, but have you ever attended a wedding solo? Perhaps you have done this a few times even? Have you always been the bridesmaid, in that horrid gown, tacky shoes? Does your rut of yesteryear have anything to do with a perpetually single lifestyle, then read this book! You'll feel better when you are laughing at a character that you identify with.

 Bridget Jone's Diary by Helen Fielding
I am sure most of you have seen the movie, but the book will make you laugh more! Bridget Jone's and her granny underwear are on a doomed journey to find self-improvement. Her goals mixed with her ambition humorously fail beyond all expectations. If you can relate to her and her daily crazy antics, you will feel better about yourself knowing someone else has been there, done that. I think of her as an inspirational saviour for the majority of females! 
 What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self 

Editor Ellyn Spragins fills the pages with an amazing collection of letters written by women who are inspirational. Maya Angelou, Olympia Dukakis, Nora Roberts and Macy Gray are just a few that open up in this book. You will be reminded why the life you are living along with the difficulties at this moment are so important. You will realize it is all part of a process. You will begin to relate suddenly to these letters as you too have been "there". This book will let you see that even the most successful women, made similar mistakes as you. They too stumbled but they got back up as you can too. 

The Myths of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky

This book is better than Myth Busters. It really does target the idea of the happiness society has created, you know, the perfect marriage, 2.5 kids, money, the dream employment. WHO the hell has 2.5 kids besides a bad magician? The myth, of course, is being told that illness, staying single, no kids, financial crisis is FAILURE. As we headed into adulthood, of course, we felt like failures with those expectations. Thanks, society, you bunch of asswipes. If your rut is literally being or feeling lost in life and you can't fathom how to find happiness, you will not regret reading this book. 

 Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson

I saved this gem for last as I am in love with Jenny Lawson. She has inspired me more than any other author and I relate to her. I am pretty sure we are blood sisters. She is seriously amusing with her "sailor" mouth and her honesty is touching. I think so many of us, especially those who fight the beast will see yourself in her, and you will appreciate your own story that much more. Your status is only temporary as in life nothing really is permanent. You too, one day, will look back on your life and laugh or maybe just pretend it never happened. Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things, is her second book with equally funny, witty, anxiety-ridden laughter filled pages. I cherish these books and will not loan them out, as they are sacred to me. 


I hope that you find a relatable book within the ones I have shared as I love to read and normally share my books, just not my Jenny Lawson ones! I will add another list of books to read soon as I think books can be the friend you need who is always there, ready to be picked up and will allow you to laugh, cry and even be put on hold. Books are a lifeline so many of us require. 

​Tis' the season to fill your home with all things Xmas and make your OCD friends faint. I have loved all things Xmas since I was a wee elf and have "gathered" ( doesn't sound as bad as hoarded), a few ( doesn't sound as bad as boxes & boxes),  holiday decorations. I am sitting here now looking around my living room thinking of where to put the tree up this year. I try to not put it in the same place each year. I usually box up my everyday decor into a box or four, and then bring up winter wonderland from the depths of my basement. This year though, there is a mental shift in my cluttered little mind and I was to purge. I am realizing that I care less and less about things. Don't get me wrong, I am still keeping the urns that hold my Kevin and Mama!  I just don't "need" so much. I really need to downsize as I want to move soon to a smaller more compact house. I am all brave right now but I know soon my stomach and heart will ache as I try to decide what to keep and what to donate When I love, I love forever, and this oddly applies to objects. Am I sentimental or just, dare I say, mental? (that is word I only use in-jokes as I don't believe in what society actually thinks it means) Do I really need to keep the little statue that I gave my dad one year for Fathers Day? Do I really need to hold onto that bag of elastic bands? Do I really need to keep that candle that has more dust on it than wax now? Why do I have a dictionary? Decisions decisions decisions. I think I need to nap now. ZZZzzz


Ok, I am back from my nap, and to be fair, it is a cold Sunday. I have read a few books on how to declutter your life and many articles. I know that I have to allow myself to get rid of things that I don't need that only take up space. My mind will never be uncluttered if my surroundings are overwhelming. I am going to declutter my kitchen cupboards first as I am sure I have soup from the 1980's on the top shelve that really should not be ingested by any living thing. I do a lot of baking once the cold wintery weather blows in so I would like to be organized. I am laughing as I type "organized" as that is not a word I would use to describe myself or my life!


 Simple. I want and crave simple now. I can no longer handle complicated. I have lived and survived complicated. I think I have earned simple and decluttering is taking me, somewhat slowly, in that direction. I loaded up seven boxes and I feel relieved. I am pushing hard to clear out the overabundance of life that I have accumulated over the years. It is hard but for every box or bag that I donated or throw out, I am one step closer to being the me I want to be.

​The winter weather brings out the crafter in me. Well, the I am going to try hard to make this amazing craft that I found on Pinterest, that may or may not look like the picture! With so many stresses with the holidays and the anxiety that goes with it, it is important to find time to enjoy a hobby that relaxes you. Many build models, read or exercise, and we all know how much I hate to exercise! For some, we find solemn when crafting.
I know what you are thinking, hot glue guns, feathers, tiny beads, sparkles--that sounds more like a freaking nightmare than a zen experience! I see arts and crafts to be more and more a popular form of therapeutic healing, especially for those with depression. Studies have shown that crafting can help enhance relaxation. If you are looking for a natural way to de-stress, slow the anxiety or just have fun, pick up a paintbrush or glue stick and get lost in the world of creativity.
I recently went to a get together that we made Xmas shadow boxes. To be honest, I went out the night before to a Halloween party so I was a wee bit hung over. My ability to function was at a low level but I managed to make an amazing craft. To be doubly honest, I had help from friends who loved that fact that I was hungover so I may be looking for new friends.
The winter weather brings out the crafter in me. Well, the I am going to try hard to make this amazing craft that I found on Pinterest, that may or may not look like the picture! With so many stresses with the holidays and the anxiety that goes with it, it is important to find time to enjoy a hobby that relaxes you. Many build models, read or exercise, and we all know how much I hate to exercise! For some, we find solemn when crafting.
I know what you are thinking, hot glue guns, feathers, tiny beads, sparkles--that sounds more like a freaking nightmare than a zen experience! I see arts and crafts to be more and more a popular form of therapeutic healing, especially for those with depression. Studies have shown that crafting can help enhance relaxation. If you are looking for a natural way to de-stress, slow the anxiety or just have fun, pick up a paintbrush or glue stick and get lost in the world of creativity.
I recently went to a get together that we made Xmas shadow boxes. To be honest, I went out the night before to a Halloween party so I was a wee bit hung over. My ability to function was at a low level but I managed to make an amazing craft. To be doubly honest, I had help from friends who loved that fact that I was hungover so I may be looking for new friends.
The winter weather brings out the crafter in me. Well, the I am going to try hard to make this amazing craft that I found on Pinterest, that may or may not look like the picture! With so many stresses with the holidays and the anxiety that goes with it, it is important to find time to enjoy a hobby that relaxes you. Many build models, read or exercise, and we all know how much I hate to exercise! For some, we find solemn when crafting.
I know what you are thinking, hot glue guns, feathers, tiny beads, sparkles--that sounds more like a freaking nightmare than a zen experience! I see arts and crafts to be more and more a popular form of therapeutic healing, especially for those with depression. Studies have shown that crafting can help enhance relaxation. If you are looking for a natural way to de-stress, slow the anxiety or just have fun, pick up a paintbrush or glue stick and get lost in the world of creativity.
I recently went to a get together that we made Xmas shadow boxes. To be honest, I went out the night before to a Halloween party so I was a wee bit hung over. My ability to function was at a low level but I managed to make an amazing craft. To be doubly honest, I had help from friends who loved that fact that I was hungover so I may be looking for new friends.
The winter weather brings out the crafter in me. Well, the I am going to try hard to make this amazing craft that I found on Pinterest, that may or may not look like the picture! With so many stresses with the holidays and the anxiety that goes with it, it is important to find time to enjoy a hobby that relaxes you. Many build models, read or exercise, and we all know how much I hate to exercise! For some, we find solemn when crafting.
I know what you are thinking, hot glue guns, feathers, tiny beads, sparkles--that sounds more like a freaking nightmare than a zen experience! I see arts and crafts to be more and more a popular form of therapeutic healing, especially for those with depression. Studies have shown that crafting can help enhance relaxation. If you are looking for a natural way to de-stress, slow the anxiety or just have fun, pick up a paintbrush or glue stick and get lost in the world of creativity.
I recently went to a get together that we made Xmas shadow boxes. To be honest, I went out the night before to a Halloween party so I was a wee bit hung over. My ability to function was at a low level but I managed to make an amazing craft. To be doubly honest, I had help from friends who loved that fact that I was hungover so I may be looking for new friends.
The winter weather brings out the crafter in me. Well, the I am going to try hard to make this amazing craft that I found on Pinterest, that may or may not look like the picture! With so many stresses with the holidays and the anxiety that goes with it, it is important to find time to enjoy a hobby that relaxes you. Many build models, read or exercise, and we all know how much I hate to exercise! For some, we find solemn when crafting.
I know what you are thinking, hot glue guns, feathers, tiny beads, sparkles--that sounds more like a freaking nightmare than a zen experience! I see arts and crafts to be more and more a popular form of therapeutic healing, especially for those with depression. Studies have shown that crafting can help enhance relaxation. If you are looking for a natural way to de-stress, slow the anxiety or just have fun, pick up a paintbrush or glue stick and get lost in the world of creativity.
I recently went to a get together that we made Xmas shadow boxes. To be honest, I went out the night before to a Halloween party so I was a wee bit hung over. My ability to function was at a low level but I managed to make an amazing craft. To be doubly honest, I had help from friends who loved that fact that I was hungover so I may be looking for new friends.

The beast tends to make me feel like I am suffocating while driving anywhere long distance. If there is any kind of traffic, my chest fills with cement and my pulse races. I always want to scream that I want to turn around and go home. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe and focus on the scenery. It does help me to keep talking or listen to someone talk. Being agoraphobic does not necessarily mean you are afraid of open spaces. I am afraid of being in a situation were panic might be embarrassing or humiliating. I can't handle feeling trapped with no way out. If I sit in the front seat, it does lessen the chances of a full-blown attack, perhaps because there seems to be more air circulation in the front seats. I recently went on a drive to my hometown with some friends to have dinner, drinks, and dancing. Typically, I would say yes to this type of event, then closer to the date, I would change it to "maybe". The day of, I would have convinced myself that I could not go, and retract my yes with a no. A few months ago, I decided to say yes more often and push myself harder than I had ever before. I am not allowing the beast to take away my life any longer. Avoidance is like retreating from an enemy, as we feel safer, to begin with. Then the enemy comes at us so we retreat further and further until we no longer have a life. The beast wins, by stealing every happy moment from you.  Phobias tend to become such a problem because we tend to avoid the things we fear, and that fear worsens very rapidly. I have learned, that to recover, we need to retract that process. Back it all the way up, reverse it. Any type of fear reaction is effectively automatic and hard to control. We, as humans were programmed, as soft-bodied species surrounded by predatative creatures, to respond by retreating from trouble. Our brains did not allow us to linger looking for a cause of this fear or threat. Now, however, we can learn quickly to train ourselves to respond firmly to threats. We understand because of experience, not to react with terror to prove to be harmless. Think of firefighters, tight-rope walkers, and scaffolders, all who have to deal with potentially extremely dangerous ordeals safely. I suppose if we were all not able to learn these changes, we would still be in a black cave hiding! I am proud of myself as I pushed hard to fight the beast that night. My craving for a pleasurable night outweighed my fear of the unknown. I laughed until my ribs hurt, smiled until my cheeks hurt and danced until my feet hurt! I not only survived, I thrived as a human. NOW go forth and conquer your beast. ​

Today was a hard day as yet another great music icon died. Gord Downie was not only a musician, a writer, an actor, an activist but a true Canadian. He loved his people from coast to coast. His fans loved him. Throughout the day, I have read numerous Facebook statuses, Tweets and Instagram posts. All of which showed the love and respect that the Tragically Hips lead man had. People opening stated that they were crying or extremely sadden. They shared their memories of his concerts, his words, some even were lucky to have met the great man. The outpouring of sadness was everywhere today. The Prime Minister of Canada, who was friends with Gord, had visible tears rolling down his face as he spoke a special tribute.  His voice trembled as he said that Canada was less of a country for having lost Downie. Every radio station today and tonight played the Tragically Hip, every news station including CNN headline the story. 


Why do we as humans have such an attachment to musicians? Why do we cry over the death of someone most of us have never met or have ever seen in person? Think of a world without music? Scary. Think of a world without ever having heard Elvis, The Beatles, Bowie, Prince, Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain, Leonard Cohen, Notorious B.I. G. and now Gordon Downie. This small list alone provides ample reason to grieve as a music lover. I assume that the death of musical craftsmanship constitutes a fraction of why we mourn all these losses. I feel that I lost a friend or a narrator of my past life when a musician dies. Those people wrote the soundtrack to my life. When they die, those moments of yesteryear come flowing on back. The memories transport me back to a time when life was easier, harder, wild, quiet, happy or sad. I remember times I spent hours listening to music in my room ignoring the outside world. I remember times when I blared music into my ears with my Sony Walkman so I kept my anxiety levels down on the way to the dentist. I could write a book on the times I spent drifting into another world while listening to music because I was looking to escape the one I was in. I have always used music as my escape from my reality. I have used music to feel unity as well and there is where The Tragically Hip appeared. They got Canadians. Hell, they were Canadians. Gord, well, he was all those stories of Crazy Canucks rolled into one magnificent human. He made you proud to be a Canadian. He made you want to be from Canada. He taught us history as we sipped our beers and watched the fire in the pit. I got to see him a few times once so long ago, I did not realize it was the same band. Yeah, I am old but well preserved! I could go on and on about his greatness, but you should already know that. If you do not, then please get on Youtube and listen to some Hip.  


When a favourite musician leaves our universe, the void affects us in an abstract way as their music spoke to us, it is universal but inherently personal. Everywhere in Canada is there is someone feeling sad, listening to a song, knowing that they are going to survive thanks to the lyrics. Gordon Downie, you gave a generation the skills to learn, love and cry. You leave behind a legendary life that so many of us can and will always cherish. You fought the fight for all of us. We thank you. We will miss your genius caring soul.While we mourn someone who lost their life, we are also mourning the loss of something inside of us. We have to grab that shade down on a happy memory that stung just a bit. We have to sit and watch the colourful talent of an artist drift out of sight like a balloon that slipped from our grasp just a moment before we were ready. 
​